Wednesday, February 26, 2014

wishing and hoping/the hopeful heart


Today I'll be spending the day at the hospital, having my boobies manhandled and covered in lubricant.  This is not as much fun as it sounds, honest!  As well as all the manhandling, lubricating and scanning, I'll be pedalling on an exercise bike, hooked up to all sorts of monitors and wearing a mask, until I collapse.  Literally until I collapse.  That part is maybe more fun than it sounds.  Maybe not, it's pretty horrible really, but it's kind of fun to REALLY exercise since it's not something I'm able to do normally.  Today I'll have highly trained medical professionals on hand to resuscitate me if I collapse more seriously than they want me to.

Last time I did these tests, about five months ago, it marked the beginning of THE HORROR.  The results were not good and the proverbial really hit the fan.  If the results are even the tiniest bit worse today, the bullet I've been dodging will be coming to get me right between the eyeballs and I've been finding everything pretty hard lately, puffing and panting and swooning, so I'm preparing myself for the worst while hoping for the best.

The thing is, hoping isn't really what I'm doing at all.  I think what I'm doing is wishing.  Does "hope" imply some belief that things really might turn out that way?  I think it does and I'm lacking that belief.  So really I'm wishing that things would be different from how I fear they are.  And I don't have much faith in the power of wishing any more.  Ugh.

Yes, I'm fed up.  The last two-and-a-bit years have been a constant fight and I've been fighting and fighting and fighting for so many things, day-to-day and life-changing things, and sometimes I'm not sure I have enough fight left in me.  I've been keeping going and going and going, but I feel like now I need something to go well and just give me a break for a while, something to start feeling hopeful about.

In the meantime, I suppose I'll do my best to enjoy all the lubrication, sweat and masks and, to be honest, I'm up for the fight of the bike test - a short, sharp burst of determination makes a nice change from the constant slog my brand of fighting usually consists of.  See? Positivity.  Oh, yeah...

10 comments:

  1. I really don't know what to say and we both know there's scud all a comparative stranger can say or even do to alter the shitiness. I love your blog and all too often get that 'man, I wish we were friends' thing when I can relate to all you post. Thankfully your heart is something I cannot say is on my 'me too' list. I hope (there's that damn word again) it surprises you today and you collapse in the best possible condition(?!). Thinking of you.. Cx

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    1. Aw, thanks for your sweet comment - so nice of you to take the time to write such kind words to (as you said) a comparative stranger and it does actually help :)

      I'm now back home, feeling done-in, but I'm going to spend the next hour eating Dulcie's gingerbread men (bad mother!) while relaxing in front of last night's Great British Sewing Bee. Hurrah!

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  2. hello laura,ive got into the habit of thinking i wonder what laura and dulcie have been up to. so i was sad to read you've had to endure a dreaded hospital visit.i'm always pleased for you when you've managed to make something for dulcie or found charity shop treasures especially when you describe how tired you are sometimes.i think its because i remember my sons being little and making them things (cow fur fabric trousers with the feet in,knitted noddy hat,poor things...)i have been to the hospital far too many times in the last ten years ,firstly 4 hour operation for endometriosis then last few years for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue .i love making things but have to decide what to spend my energy on most of the time,as its far from endless anymore,i'm trying to make collars and chunky jewellery at the moment.you do very well,with a little girl,a job,a creative addiction ,illness and you're hardly ever grumpy ! i hope the test results are ok.its so difficult knowing what to say,ive got to newcastle in april,my boyfriend has to see a specialist (another case of bad body)there but at least i know it's a nice place to visit after your account,we've booked a cottage near berwick upon tweed too.fond wishes -daisy

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Daisy, that was really nice of you to take the time to leave it :)

      Hope you manage to make the most of the good parts of your Newcastle trip. Stay well!

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  3. Hope it went well and that you did enjoy your boobs being covered in lubricant :) I'm wishing too!

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    1. Thanks :) The boob lube was pretty disappointing, to be honest... Ha ha!

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  4. Last night I finally had to give in to the gruesome sickness that has been going round the nursery where my children go - nausea and vomiting all the way...

    As I was in my bed feeling very sorry for myself, there was one thing that cheered me up: through the gap in the bedroom door I could see your Little Red Riding Hood embroidery on the wall out in the hallway. It gave me something beautiful to focus on while feeling very low indeed.

    I hope you are doing well, and that you also have some items of beauty to focus on when you are feeling low. Thinking of you!

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    1. Oh, no, Hilde! Hope you feel better soon :(

      But I am glad my embroidery cheered you up a bit - hearing that cheered me up too! x

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Hello! I'm sorry that I've had to turn on the word verification feature again, but my inbox was being flooded with very dull spam. Genuine comments always brighten my day though, so thank you for taking the time to leave one :)