compromising on matters of the heart

When I got my internal defibrillator fitted, I was advised to get some incredibly ugly and embarrassing medical alert jewellery to wear.  I couldn't bring myself to do that, partly because I don't want my situation out on display 24/7, partly because I am more vain than I probably appear and partly because I just don't do jewellery.  However, in a bid to come to terms with stuff and accept things that I have no control over, I compromised and made this medical alert card for my purse.  I figure that in an unconscious type of emergency situation, passers by or paramedics are as likely to look in my purse as they are to check my body for tacky but useful  items of jewellery.  I do feel a bit safer now.  

I'm not minding my swanky device so much these days.  It can still be a bit sore and uncomfortable at times, but mostly I can forget it's there and I very rarely feel the fear that I might be shocked.  I think I may even be starting to feel a little reassured by its presence.  This is all very positive really, considering I've only had two months to get used to it so far.

I am still a little bit paranoid about it at times, I suppose.  Graham has agreed to go on a first aid course so that he knows how to resuscitate me.  Kind of romantic?!  Ha!  I also get a bit anxious at work since I figure (probability-wise) that I'd be quite likely to be zapped there if I was going to get zapped anywhere.  I decided I wanted to tell the managers and first aiders what the situation was and what to do in an emergency, figuring that was another good compromise - it meant that not everyone would know my freak status but that there would usually be someone around who did.  I wrote a carefully composed email and ran it by my boss, but then I realised who the first aiders were and that one of them was the office's (nay, the world's) biggest gossip and someone I definitely did not want to know my business so I did not send the email.  I decided I would just have a quiet word with a few people who often seem to be in the office when I am, but it's not really the kind of thing that is very easy to bring up in conversation, so I haven't managed to do it yet.  I guess I should.  Once it's done, hopefully I can stop thinking about it.  Being able not to be thinking about this situation (the situation as a whole, not just the device) most of the time is my goal.  I think I might be getting there - very, very slowly, but getting there nonetheless.  I'm pretty sure I've had some 15-minute spells of not considering my impending doom lately, which is a big improvement and makes it slightly easier to stay on the right side of sanity!

Hey, my medical alert card co-ordinates perfectly with my red purse.  Don't presume these things happen by accident, people! :)