Sunday, July 27, 2014

note to self (you don't need to read this)

Poster / silk-screen crowd #02-La pool
Beautiful swimming poster/print by Virginie Morgand.  I discovered her etsy shop this week and immediately favourited about 50% of her listings.  So good.

I'm feeling utterly broken today.  Dulcie's sleeping issues (and general clinginess...clingyness?) are wearing me down, big time.  Things had improved and she has been sleeping right through, or settling herself when she woke up, fairly often.  But the last couple of nights she has been back to having me up constantly from 1 or 2 am.  Last night, after hours of hysterical screaming, I ended up caving in and sleeping in her bed with her, clinging on for dear life all night and hating myself for not standing my ground, knowing it was the worst thing to do in the long term.  Graham had promised to take Dulcie out today to give me some much-needed space (also because he was out solo all afternoon and evening yesterday, so owes me) but the few hours of this morning were hard to get through and now, even though they've finally left, I feel like a switch has been flicked and I can't flick it back.  BROKEN INSIDE.  Sometimes I don't think I like being a mum.  That sounds awful, doesn't it?  But I feel comfortable enough saying it because I love Dulcie so dearly and wouldn't have things any other way, of course.  But I'm broken.  Oh, I said that already.

Our house is a bloody disaster area.  There will be something where it's not supposed to be and Dulcie or the cats (the effing cats! aaaargh!) will spot it and drag it out and spread it all over the house.  I turn my back to sort one thing and another thing is speedily destroyed behind me.  I want to have a nice day to myself today, maybe even do some nice things to the house, like hang some pictures in Dulcie's room, but once everyone had left and I could stop and look around, I realised that by the time I tidy up today's mess and go to the shops for essentials like food and toilet roll, they will be back and Dulcie will be limpeted onto me until I leave for work tomorrow.  I can't stop thinking, "What is the point?"  About everything.  Of course, there is more behind this than a lack of sleep and a messy house, but to go down that road really would take all day.

So, what's good?  Well, Dulcie is!  She's funny and sweet.  Her brain is dreaming up a load of nonsense.  She lies hilariously about what she's been doing with her days, write songs constantly ("It's the trainer shoe, trainer shoe, trainer shoe sooooooong!" on an ascending scale was the grand finale of one) and makes up words that make perfect sense.  I stormed into her room with my hair all bed-headed and crazy.  She stopped crying instantly and said, "Mummy, what has happened?!  You hair is all skeltered!"  Skeltered?  Where did she get that from?  But it described my hair perfectly.  I love her brain.

Other good stuff?  Well, we went out on our bikes again yesterday.  Graham found a way to get to the pool without going on the roads much at all.  I had to get off and push at every hill (and there were MANY) but I made it, was noticeably more confident on my wheels and had another lovely cycle home via the canal paths.  At the pool I swam ten lengths and felt good to swim many more, only Dulcie wouldn't allow it.  I'm still planning to go swimming on my own again this Tuesday and am REALLY looking forward to it.  I still can't stop eating things I shouldn't, but I feel like this is a good and maintainable improvement to my lifestyle.  My bum is sore again from the bike, but not nearly as sore as it was last time.  Do they toughen up as you cycle more?

It's not long until we go on holiday and I CAN'T WAIT.  We have three holidays lined up between now and the end of the year, one of them especially exciting.  I'll blog about it some other day.

My mum and dad are nearly ready to move into their new house.  Dulcie and I are going to see it with them for the first time on Tuesday.  Exciting!  My parents will be 20 minutes away, rather than 4+ hours away.  Dulcie will go for sleepovers and my mum and dad will pop through to take her out and help me when I feel ill.  Graham and Dulcie and I will have a lovely homely home to visit for nice lunches, dinners, afternoons in the garden.

My friend is going to lend me her car while she is abroad for six months.  I'll be able to see how much of a difference it makes to our life and make an informed decision about whether it would be worth our while to invest in a car of our own.  We'll be able to do supermarket shops and not have to carry home bags pack-horse style, we'll be able to go on day trips, I'll be able to get to work on Sundays!  We're so lucky that this has all fallen into place and my friend has been so generous.  (Let's not talk about how terrified I am to get back behind the wheel!)

Some little bits of our house are getting excitingly good.  I'll have some amazing furniture to share here soon and we got it for FREE!

So there is plenty of good stuff.  I feel better now, slightly less broken.  I'm off to make the most of my empty :)


  1. I too sometimes hate being a mum. Usually, like you, when I have had no sleep and when people give me some 'time to myself' and I'm in a hovel of a house that is in no way, shape or form relaxing and makes me want to abandon it. I don't because, obv if I did I couldn't enjoy my trip away as would be plagued by the knowledge I was coming home to a tip. This weekend the kids were away to give us a relaxing break. What did we do? Tidy up! BUT, to make it worse, all that tidying and the place still a mess and my youngest slept right through (until nearly 9am??!!) both nights with my parents. These things (we can call kids that if they're ours right?) are sent to try us! We should meeet up for a 'Mummy Moan Off', it'd be cathartic! :)

    1. Yes, that all sounds very familiar! Dulcie slept until 4.30 last night, a big improvement on recent nights. Maybe she's not a lost cause after all? That said, she has been AWFUL at times today. Thank goodness my parents are here for a bit again.

      For now, Dulcie's new room is the cleanest and tidiest place in the house. I love hanging out there. Sigh...

      A mummy moan-off sounds good...but perhaps risky?! Ha! Maybe a pretend-we're-not-mums-for-a-night hit-the-booze-hard is more what we need :) Though our houses would still be awful when we got home. Someone should combine How Clean Is Your House with 60 Minute Makeover and just surprise people with tidyness.

      Urgh, tired brain...

  2. I am always joking about coming home to a surprise like that. I even went in a huff when we came back from our hols last year and nothing was different (I'd dropped numerous hints to my parents and they had kept double checking dates we were away so my imagination went a bit wild!).

    1. Oh dear... :)

      We keep talking about treating ourselves to a cleaner (I think it would be worth it!) but we always add, "When we've got the place sorted," as if that is going to happen any decade soon.

      Onwards and upwards, my dear! My dad replaced all our blown lightbulbs yesterday :)

  3. Ditto. We've agreed that the expense would be worth it given it seems like the mess is so stress-inducing BUT despite using the weekend to try and get it into a 'can you help us clean this?' state, we didn't manage it. Such a frustrating catch 22 type thing. Grrr/sigh.


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