Bah Humbug card available from MsSpanner on Etsy.
It's never a good sign when you find me blogging while the rest of my household is in bed. It took two hours for Dulcie to settle down to sleep tonight. They weren't wholly unenjoyable hours - we listened to some stories and snuggled up together and had a bit of a giggle - but I ended up falling asleep too, slept for an hour or so and then got up to brush my teeth, get changed, move to my own bed... Two hours later, still exhausted but unable to sleep. Grr. Things I am blaming for this: I'm hungry (or was, I just had some toast) and I'm pissed off at the world and everyone in it.
I bloody love Christmas, especially the pre-Christmas build-up, but it seems like my heart has an uncanny knack of going wrong/stressing me out every November/December and ruining it all. Plus it's much more horrible to be focussed on your inability to have children and your impending death (the norm for me) when everything about this season screams loudly about how different things are for other people. And I know they're not different for everybody and that lots of people hate this time of year and always have, but for a bona fide Christmas lover like me, it's just one more good thing to be taken away and trampled on by heart failure. And I'm pissed off about it. So there.
I've been off work for a couple of weeks already, I think, and now my doctor has signed me off until the end of the year. My Christmas "holidays" have kind of whimpered their way into existence and I find I've been on them without even realising. And, of course, I'm not really on holiday, I'm at home feeling too ill to do pretty much anything most of the time (a lot of this due to the medication I've had to go back on that apparently makes me better but always makes me FEEL worse) but it's still making the season feel like it's started off as a bit of a damp squib. And, you know, I'm actually managing to enjoy some things about my time off...and feel guilty for that too, naturally. I've been reading and sewing and mooching about on the computer and watching childhood TV favourites and films about male strippers that I'd never normally watch... And a lot of this is quintessentially Christmas, right? But all with the undertone of death and doom and despondency (but you can't keep an alliterative genius down) which, after the last three Chistmases (Christmasses?) is beginning to feel quintessentially Christmas too. And I hate that.
I've got my next round of tests the week before Christmas. Some of them have been booked for months (I knew, as soon as I saw the date, that I wouldn't manage to hold it together and remain remotely festive) and others have been tacked on recently since I've been doing stupid things like not being able to climb a flight of stairs without my heart trying to escape through my ears. And I guess the crappy timing of the tests could mean that all hope is not lost for the yuletide. If my results turn out to be OK, I could be buoyed up enough to get through the season with a smile on my face and a small space in my brain. But, barring a miracle (come on, just one tiny Christmas miracle, please?!) the results will never make me happy because even a significant improvement (unlikely) would still equate to a very bad situation overall. Looks like the positive-thinking ship has well and truly sailed for 2014, I'm afraid.
I don't think I realised how one bit of bad luck could ruin so many things that have nothing to do with it. Bring on another season of having my mortality and futureless existence rubbed in my miserable face. Bah humbug.
P.S. I'm trying to cheer up and I plan to keep trying!
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Don't take this the wrong way, but I do find you rather inspirational - that you have all this shit going on, but still find time to put your thoughts down on "paper" and seem to make rational sense of what's happening is nothing short of marvellous, in the very traditional sense of that word. To me, you seem like Wonder Woman (just please, don't start wearing your pants over your tights). x
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks :) I always feel a bit self-conscious when my bare-soul posts get no comments, so to get such a positive one is lovely. And I should confess I have been considering going back to my old habit of wearing pants over my tights, for purely practical reasons - either I have grown or my tights have shrunk and they keep falling down! Pants over the top (as well as underneath) usually solves this, as well as keeping your bottom warm on cold winter days! But maybe that plan was just my subconscious inner superhero trying to surface :)
Deleteha, you know, I used to do that at school - gym pants over my tights (and normal pants) - I even used to do it when I went out of a weekend, as it does really keep your tights up - maybe I need to buy some gym pants?!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we all do! :)
DeletePersonally I find your bare-soul posts comforting in a way. It shows you're not Wonder Woman as, much like Claire, I am constantly in awe of all you achieve. You also make me take a step back and realise I should be grateful for what I have instead of being in a constant state of self pity and stress. I usually manage that for about 5 mins but at least you give me that 5 mins! I hope the tests bring a pleasant surprise and that you can find some festive glow and have a wonderful time with your family. Keep on keeping on. x
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I'm just back from the hospital. Things are no better but no worse, which is the main thing. And Dulcie is at nursery for another couple of hours today so I'm off for a snooze (zzzzzzzzzz). Even superheroes need to catch up on sleep now and again, right?
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