Friday, April 3, 2015

my week in (and out of) motoring

  How insanely old does this clip look?!  It feels like it was only yesterday.  I suppose it was half my lifetime ago really.

My driving continues to be a trying experience.  I managed to add another notch to my automotive bedpost this week, bumping into another car while parking.  Again?!  Ugh!  Thankfully, my car came out of it the worst off, but I was seriously mortified and thoroughly ashamed of myself.  I even had a shame-faced mini weep over it last night.  Well, that and some other things, I've had a bit of a week of it really.  I just really need to have a decent stretch where I drive without incidence to boost my confidence.  Every time I start to feel all right about it, I do something stupid, piss other motorists off or mess something up, panic, bash cars willy-nilly...  Today I forced myself to woman-up and drive Dulcie to my mum and dad's house rather than chicken out and get the train.  It was my first motorway experience since my post-traumatic stress day of shaking and retching.  I did go the wrong way at one point and have to do a rather long detour, but other than that, it all went pretty well.  I'm giving myself a small pat on the back for not being defeated by it, but I've been home for half an hour and my teeth are still clenched and I feel quite queasy.  Hopefully the effects won't be so long-lasting this time.  I'm kind of torn between thinking only practice will make me improve and thinking I shouldn't even be allowed behind the wheel.  I am improving and it has only been a month. I need to keep telling myself that.

Other highlights of the week...?  Well, I got drunk for the first time in over four years, afternoon boozing with a friend to celebrate her birthday.  It was fun, but did confirm that I'm right in my decision not to do it on any regular basis.  I'm far too emotional these days to cope with the added influence of alcohol.  Saying that, there was much more giggling than there was weeping, but I'm not sure I enjoyed feeling like I wasn't really in control of myself.  But, hey, I've still got it!  Ha!

The day after that I struggled through work, then went to see the doctor about something and ended up being subjected to the sort of examination you really don't want to go through when you're hungover and a bit grotty.  Awful!  I'll spare you further details.  And then I ran from the doctor's to nursery to collect Dulcie who was in trouble for lying about the staff.  Gasp!  It's the first time she's ever been in enough trouble for it to be reported back to me.  I wanted to escape and deal with it later, but realised the staff expected me to do a public display of discipline and get an apology out of her.  Not what I needed right then!  But I did it, dragged her home and fell asleep immediately after dinner.  Zzzzzz!  Maybe I don't still have it after all, huh?

My life feels really weird at the moment.  It's great because I've given myself an almighty kick up the arse and am sorting things out that have been swamping me for years and being brave and proactive and positive and it feels good, but then when I come to blog (or even to chat to people) it feels like it's not quite my life.  I don't know how to represent myself any more.  Do you know what I mean?  I'm kind of doing the things that are right for me to do right now, but they're not making me a very interesting prospect for others.  I'm going to try and share some Dulcie photos here soon because I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of documenting her childhood these days and I do love having my blog to look back over.  Plus she's getting so many freckles (eeep!) and I gave her a fringe and she looks cuter than ever.  She's such hard work but I absolutely adore her.  Still glad she's having a sleepover at Granny's tonight, though :)

Dulcie's top conversation of the week:
Dulcie: These blackberries taste of dog poo.
My dad: What does dog poo taste of?
Dulcie: Blackberries.

Dulcie's inexplicable behaviour of the moment:
Absolutely EVERYTHING has to be called Ava.

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