I go back to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. Part of me is looking forward to it - having some change of pace to my days/weeks and feeling closer to normal. I'm not worried about leaving Dulcie as I'll be working evenings and weekends for the next nine months until her nursery place starts, so her dad will be looking after her. I am worried about the fact I will hardly ever see her dad until October! I suppose I am looking forward to seeing my colleagues again. Well, I should more accurately say that I'm looking forward to having those people in my day-to-day life again, but I think it is the thought of seeing them all initially that is making my stomach go a bit churny. I've been practising how to respond to typical chat/small talk like a normal person. I think I am worried that people will say something seemingly standard and, unbeknownst to them, it will touch one of many a raw nerve and make me cry. I am so scared of bursting into tears in front of people. I cry a lot these days but I really don't want to cry in front of the people I work with.
Other things I am worried about:
- That my brain is not what it was before I went on maternity leave so I will make silly mistakes and be embarrassed by myself.
- That there have been lots of changes to the office and the way things work and I will be out of the loop and confused. I don't even know where I am meant to sit any more let alone how to subtitle.
- That I will have one million emails in my inbox.
- That I will have to subtitle the new series of One Born Every Minute as I still can't watch anything about pregnancy/childbirth/babies without crying/having a meltdown.
- That all the time I'm at work is time I'm not with Dulcie and how much time do I have?
- That I won't be able to think of anything to say to anyone since all I can think about is my baby and my heart.
Hmm, I did resolve to be more positive, so in the interest of fairness and balance (and to calm myself down) I will make a similar list of what I am looking forward to about going back to work:
- Lunch breaks where I can not only sit and eat my lunch but can talk to other adults and/or read a book or do some sewing or crochet or anything I fancy!
- Travelling on the underground... where I can read a book or do some sewing or crochet or anything I fancy!
- Walking down the street without pushing a pram ahead of me.
- Reminding myself that I am still the person I was before all this happened.
- Sitting in a chair for extended periods of time without having to engineer a distraction for the other human I'm responsible for.
- Wearing clothes that don't have to have booby access.
- Having something else to think about/a distraction from the loop my thoughts tend to be on.
- Spending time with people I like and also with some people who don't have babies.
- Having Dulcie to come home to.
Goodness, it is going to be strange and scary. Really I am looking forward to it though. I think.