Monday, June 18, 2012

an umpty flump

Here's a link to the video for anyone who can't see it here and is wondering what "umpty" means!

I'm feeling umpty today.  It's been a too-much morning (and afternoon/evening/week/month/year) and I'm upmty.  I'm fed up.  Yup, "umpty" is definitely the best word to describe me these days.  Umpty.

I'm finding it very hard to blog at the moment.  I wish I'd kept this blog more anonymous, but when I started it I didn't think anybody would actually read it or that it would become so important to me.  Nowadays quite a lot of people who know/know of me in real life have started visiting this space.  I usually discover this about six months after the fact when they let something slip or mention it to Graham.  I actually keep my blogging secret, mostly, and a lot of my friends have no idea I do this.  My immediate family have never mentioned my blog to me, but I find it hard to believe they've never googled me and ended up here, and wouldn't they visit again once they'd found it?

Of course I don't want to banish anyone from Dropstitchland but, given the turns my life has taken over the last year, I'd really like to be able to use this space to vent some of my less upbeat thoughts now and again, and I just don't feel I can do that with so many people looking over my shoulder.

I spend a lot of time in my "real" life trying to appear positive and unconcerned about everything that's going on (I can't stand the thought of people close to me being worried on my account) and I could really do with not having to do that here as well.  Not that I want to turn this blog into one big gripe-fest.  The reason I blog rather than keep a diary is so that I don't focus too much on the negative.  If I know someone could read what I write (whether they actually do or not) then I'm too embarrassed to launch into an everybody-hates-me / I-am-useless sort of wail, and tend to remain slightly more sane and rational than I would if my words were safely behind a heart-shaped padlock.  Blogging worked well for me when my life was peachy, but now I feel more like I'm being artificially upbeat rather than avoiding being unnecessarily downbeat, and it's not very easy to maintain a blog when (pardon the pun!) your heart's not really in it.

I'm not sure what the solution is.  Start a parallel and anonymous blog?  (Time consuming and might render this blog even more redundant.)  Say what I want here and stop worrying about who might be reading and whether they'd be upset by what I said?  (May not be possible and could make seeming cheery in real life harder/lead to conversations I don't want to have.)  Stop blogging altogether and break out that paper and padlock?  (A sure road to depression and a life behind closed curtains!)  In the meantime, I think I might just take a little blog break and see how I feel.  Or maybe not.

Does anyone else have issues with their real-life/blog-life divide?  Bah! Ignore me, I'm umpty.


  1. I so know what you mean!! I have real life issues and would love to vent my spleen on my blog (just to get it out) but worry whom it may upset. A few of my readers I wouldn't want to know what I thought but then I have had such lovely support from blogland that it makes me sad that I cannot share. Oh it's all very hard. I haven't posted since April in my indecision. Sending you a hug and want you to know that sometimes it's ok to have a moan and complain, I will still tuen up for unhappy posts (as well as the ones with pretty Dulce pictures in). Waffling now so will shove off!! Hope a decision comes soon xxx

    1. You're so right about the support you get from blogland being nice/important and making you want to share. It's that closeness but with just enough distance that's good, and also means you don't have to be reminded of what you've been moaning about when you don't want to be. I still want to be able not to think about this stuff some days.

      I hope you sort out your relationship with your own blog soon too :)

  2. Ah the Flumps are fab!! I know what you mean about keeping some things private - it's tricky to vent when you know that people are looking. If you ever need to vent then do email me - I'll read, reply and then destroy. A friend did it for me when the girls were young and I was having trouble with them (postnatal depression) and it was great to be able to vent knowing that this friend didn't know anyone else in my life so couldn't 'tell' Maybe we should set up a moaning minnies blog where we can post anonymously and then invite our friends to have a moan too! Actually that might be a good idea....

    1. A communal moaning minnies blog might just work, you know. If we could only find enough miserable people to post there it could be entirely anonymous! Ha ha!

    2. oooh, a fantastic idea Lyns, count me in if you go ahead!! x


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